Some people believe good couples don’t fight. Not true! The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they fight - constructively and destructively. The key is to fight fair, and that means obeying a few simple ground rules. 

Don’t go off topic

Don’t say ‘oh and another thing…’ and drag in all kinds of different issues.  Another important rule: If things start to get out of hand, remove yourself from the situation. If there’s name-calling and shouting, just tell the other person that the conversation isn’t productive anymore and ask for him/her to revisit it at another time.

Check your expectations

Even before the argument begins, it helps to recognize what’s normal. Relationships have limits. Your significant other is not going to be your everything. You won’t always agree, and you won’t always be able to convert the other side to your view — sometimes you have to agree to disagree. 

There is no winner

If you win then the other half loses, so in the end you both lose. Your relationship is in worse shape than it was before. What’s more, the loser may harbour resentment, which may in turn fuel the next fight. And so the cycle continues.  

Talk less, listen more

Many fights boil down to a feeling of not being heard, but we react to this feeling ignored. We raise our voices, and that just escalates the fight. It causes people to shut down. Paradoxically, the louder you yell, the less you are heard. The solution is to talk less and listen more. If the other person is yelling at you, don’t fight back. Listen and ask questions. If you know how to do it, you feel really powerful. 

Understand the triggers

Couples tend to fight over relatively trivial matters, but beneath that complaint there often lies a more profound emotional issue. It’s usually a core issue from childhood that’s triggered when we fight. And in order to really fight fair, we need to know what we’re actually fighting about. 

Digging into one’s childhood to figure out why you felt the way you did during a fight may sound a bit extreme, but the very act of asking these questions and looking beyond the fight is itself helpful. 

Act early

Finally, don’t wait for your fifteenth fight to start putting this advice into action. Your first fights are precious, because at the start of a relationship, you’re more likely to be kind. Once you let resentment build then that can change — some couples actually try to trigger each other into fights, and it becomes all about blame and shame.

So when that first fight starts, embrace it. The honeymoon period may have ended, but your real relationship is just beginning.

Content modified for use with permission from Men’s Life Today 

Are you one of those women for whom the word “impossible” doesn’t exist?

You face each task, each challenge with a fervour that surprises the world! You zoom around doing everything, from the most mundane everyday chores to the most challenging jobs which include the jolts that come by once in a while. The word “NO” is something you are not familiar with. Apart from this, you play the roles of wife, mother, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, friend and colleague to the T.

 Everyone who knows you thinks you’re a superwoman.

 But dear Superwoman, everyone, even you, needs to take it a little easy once in a while. Or you are definitely heading towards burnout. Slow down a bit and learn how you can recharge your batteries.

Also read: International Women’s Day 2013: Top 5 fitness tips for women

 Start by taking out some time out for yourself!

That is step one. You are so used to doing things for others that you have forgotten about what you want. Taking time out for yourself doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person. On the contrary, you will be able to focus better – on your tasks as well as on your relationships.

 Now that you have taken out time for yourself, here are some suggestions to make the best it:

 Meditate…Be still, for a change. Instead of doing a hundred things, take some time out for reflection and introspection. Watch the clouds move across the sky or the rain pattering against your window, inner peace is something you can do with. 

Treat yourself right…Indulge in some pampering. Go to the nearest salon, get a hair spa or foot spa done or let those professional masseuses knead out the knots from your tired muscles. As a do-it-yourself option, draw yourself a hot bath with those scented oils and salts and soak your bones in it with scented candles relaxing your senses.

 Work out…Any physical form of exercise will help you get those endorphins up and running. You can choose between your local gym, an aerobics class or jazz it up by learning a dance form! Salsa, jive, tango, pole dancing – there’s so much to choose from! Remember to eat right. Skipping meals is not an option for self-preservation.

Girls’ night out…Girlfriends are a blessing to have. Round up your close buddies and go out regularly. Gear up in your best and catch up with all that has been happening! I’m sure your husband won’t mind watching the kids while you are out painting the town red with your BFFs. It is, after all, for the greater good!

Also read: International Women’s Day 2013: Top 10 beauty problems women face

 Retail therapy…What better way to unwind than to buy yourself some pretty goodies! Go invest in a good pair of shoes or phone. Freak out on the new arrivals. Keeping a budget in mind would help. Though window shopping is just as much fun and doesn’t cost a penny!

 Pick a hobby…Find something you are passionate about and pursue it with vigour. Like painting or photography or stitching or pottery or astronomy. You may have many talents that you are still unaware of!

Date yourself…It is perfectly okay to enjoy a movie and a dinner by yourself. Read a book while sipping coffee. Go to that art exhibition or museum or drive around aimlessly. You don’t always require company to go out.

You are your best friend. Take care of yourself. It will equip you better to take care of your loved ones and your situations.

So go on, give this a try! Your world will still be standing when you get back to it. Waiting for you to work your miracles on it!  

Also read: Women’s Day Special: Fitter, Sexier Healthier

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1. Know your priorities – Knowing what you want for yourself and your spouse/children will help. Setting the extremely important values and the flexible rules apart in your head will help you prioritize and make reasonable decisions without guilt viz. your child’s dance competition versus picking up a distant relative.  
2. Boundaries – However close knit a family might be, there are always subtle boundaries and limits to how much say you have in others’ lives. Know and say how much is expected out of you and/or how much will be received gracefully by others. Untimely or unwarranted advice or action often leads to hurt and unnecessary squabbles. Decisions for the entire family should be taken collectively. Each family has its own ways of arriving at a consensus.
3. Communicate effectively – This not only means speaking your mind but also knowing when to keep quiet. If you are an emotionally sensitive person and are anxious about getting hurt or hurting others in your family consider the following – think, decide (write it down if required), rehearse (if necessary) and then make your point to your family so that you are able to communicate exactly what you want and why you want something to be done.
4. Trust and Respect: Try to understand how and why a family member thinks feels or behaves in a certain way. Empathize and connect with them or different levels. Respect the age and experience of elderly family members if not for any other reason; communicate accordingly.
5. Quality time: Although it is difficult for us to manage time between our work and personal lives, try to set up a ‘quality time schedule’ within your family. Keep time spent with your spouse/children separate from the time spent with the rest of the family. You can also plan kids’ time, men’s, ladies night out and family gatherings.
6. Money matters: Keep money matters very transparent. Discuss it with your spouse, then your entire family. Communicate very clearly and stick to the plan agreed upon.
7. You can’t please everyone: It is just impossible that everyone loves you at all given points in time. There will be ups and downs in a relationship. Moving beyond these difficult times is the key. Let go of petty issues and if someone’s approval is important for you, then communicate and resolve issues.
8. Don’t try to change people: No one is perfect; NOT even you. Get a reality check. If someone is not willing to change or even to accept feedback, you will just be wasting time, energy and effort over trying to change others. If things are getting too difficult for you, talk to a counsellor.
9. Small things: Find happiness in small things and events like watching a movie together, outings, evening walks, cooking food, playing board games, eating meals together, etc. These helps create a strong emotional bond. 
10. Look beyond the bad verbal bouts: Take your time to get over hurt, guilt or upset feelings. But over time, let go, apologize and/or forgive (ideal and recommended) and patch up with your family.

Follow these 10 simple rules and you’ll actually start appreciating having so many people around.